Medical Humor

Medical Humor

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very

bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you

like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell

first?

Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: All Right. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped,

your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

=====================================================================

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

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Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, don't do that.

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Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the

best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I

would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very

kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that

prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

=====================================================================

A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.

Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!)

stop farting.

Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay,

stomach down, on the couch.

The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man

farting all the time this is going on.

Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.

The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp

spike at one end.

Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!)

that?!

Doctor: I need to open a window.

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A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live. "6

months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?" His

doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana." "Why?" the guy asked.

"Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"

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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she

was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken

aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,

but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control

pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought

some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to

sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I

sleep better at night."

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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked

her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,

etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my

patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking.

Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a

prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if

*that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

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A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the

best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of

lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation

went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of

$5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter

demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two

things:

1 screw $ 1

Knowing how to put it in $4999

$5000 total

The businessman never argued.

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her

first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies,

"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to

pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't

you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a

little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little

more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch

it over your head!"

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A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,

a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second

time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The

man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

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"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined

this month!"

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There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted

to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things

while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" The doctor

replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come

before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third

and the first two went really easily." The vet said "OK" and the doctor went

on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go

while I was gone?" "Pretty good." "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" "Yes, it

was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." "Did you have any trouble?"

"Well, there was just one little problem." "What was that?" "I had a

terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

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"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her

compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the lady,

"How you doctors specialize these days."

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The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought

him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by

the following method:

-General Practitioners know nothing and do little.

-Surgeons know little and do everything.

-Internists knows everything and do nothing.

-Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

===============================================================

A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso,

complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was

Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the

finger was broken.

================================================================

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching

through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an

income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

================================================================

An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their

respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English

fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors

recently had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted

it into six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six

new workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his

country doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into

twelve people in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in

the job market. Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the

U. S., we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million

people in the market for a job!"

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A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable

scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and

reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING

TREATED.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true

nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may

have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE

IS DOING IT.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in

terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper

will surely be of widespread interest.

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the

well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO

LIGHT IN THE COURSE

OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty

to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS

DIRECT CARE.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

=====================================================================

Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites

Jim's prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?"

"We should call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert,

there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.

RING, RING. RING, RING.

J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?

D: What kind of snake?

J: A one meter, green-yellow one.

D: Aye, aye.

J: ?

D: Those are very dangerous.

J: What can we do?

D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your

friend will be dead within half an hour.

Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already,

asks what the doctor said.

Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.

================================================================

A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands

cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it

with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's

get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively

simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his

way home, he meets a friend. "Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of

days," his friend says. "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.

"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's

up?" "I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, sh....t!! That's what it's called!"

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How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on whether it has health insurance.

Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation

specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.

None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.

None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

=====================================================================

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

=====================================================================

How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

=====================================================================

How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin?

They both take away the coffin.

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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep

losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!

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Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first

says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at

seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years

old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day

long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every

morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.

Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One

lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was

standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just

come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting

on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or

had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's

always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her

face, she asks, "Who's there?"

================================================================

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the

emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green

came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court

when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know

what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there

was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a

gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why

were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated

hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins:

'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green:

'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your

ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A

lady came in the other day limping..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've

changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the

malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only

place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your

case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney

stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at

him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you

addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.

Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating

Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of

pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of

Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the

patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you

mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the

lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you

pass the kidney stone?"

=====================================================================

Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,

doctor. What are the chances? "

Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference."

=====================================================================

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for

work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do

something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him

to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in

the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss,

"But where were you yesterday?"

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A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental

hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks

outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding

was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no available

cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks

up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to

get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby

storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap

labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and

finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the

bars). The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a

while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?"

asks the WASP. "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other

three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will

make it to the nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to

the loonie and continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in

because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I

am stupid."

=====================================================================

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite

ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself

to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The

horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an

ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is

true!)

====================================================================

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am

always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud

noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills,

and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did

good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they

smell terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your

nose working again, lets work on your farting"

=====================================================================

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what

do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision!

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Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health:

What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary.

Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'.

=====================================================================

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,

unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed

the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I

don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish

and quietly said "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

================================================================

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once

had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few

housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned

him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor

said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm,

they insult me!"

=================================================================

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

-Oops.

-Has anyone seen my watch?

-That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk.

================================================================

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and

checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him "Look at the time:

you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get

yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the

long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests.

"I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back

of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line

for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab

coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and

no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "who does

that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play

doctor."

Guy walks into a doctor's office...

Guy: Doctor, people ignore me.

Dr: NEXT!

=====================================================================

Guy: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive.

Dr: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... Etc.

=====================================================================

Guy: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Dr: Nurse, bring in another chair.

=====================================================================

Doctor, if I give up wine, women & song, will I live longer?

Not really. It will just seem longer.

=====================================================================

Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: Since when did u have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

=====================================================================

THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.

3. Never moon a were wolf.

5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"

6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.

7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.

8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The

Flintstones.

15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.

18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.

19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your

parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.

26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.

28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper

in your hand.

29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is

too hot."

31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to

cheat again next year.

35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian

homeland.

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While we're on the subject of questionable doctors;

A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his

used to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical

examinations: "Should I shave my beard first?"

It toke me a while to get it.

=====================================================================

BLONDE'S DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS

Anti-Body against everyone

Artery study of paintings

Bacteria back door to a cafeteria

Barium what to do when treatment fails

Bowel letters lik A E I O or U

Caesarean Section a district in Rome

Cardiology advanced study of poker playing

Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty

Cauterize made eye contact with her

Colic sheep dog

Coma punctuation mark

Congenital friendly

D & C where Washington is

Dilate to live long

Enema not a friend

Fester quicker

Genes blue denim slacks

Genital non-Jewish

Hangnail coat hook

Hemorrhoid a male From outer space

Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room

Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

Impotent distinguished, well known

Inpatient tired of waiting

Labor Pain hurt at work

Medical Staff a doctor's cane

Minor Operation coal digging

Morbid a higher bid

Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate

Node was aware of

Organic organ repairman

Outpatient a person who has fainted

Paralyze two far-fetched stories

Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

Post-Operative a letter carrier

Protein in favor of young people

Recovery Room place to upholster furniture

Rectum what happened to the Corvette

Rheumatic amorous

Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat

Secretion hiding something

Tablet a small table

Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport

Tibia country in North Africa

Tumor an extra pair

Urine opposite of You're Out

Varicose nearby

Vein conceited

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Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2.

"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending

pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside

office, this analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants

were from marijuana."

=====================================================================

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells

the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits

for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm

going to become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic

American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man

says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."

=====================================================================

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

=====================================================================

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok ask.

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring

doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor

doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

Father : !!!??????!!!

=====================================================================

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a

prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his

pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he

showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into the

movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a

raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it.

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a

conservatory of music.

=====================================================================

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

=====================================================================

When an 8 year old wI got a call at 3 a.m. from a mother who said her child was sick. I asked her what was the temperature and she told me she didn't take it. I asked if she had a thermometer, and she said she did , so I told her I'd call her back in 5 minutes. When I called back, I asked "What was the temperature?" She replied, "I'm not sure Doc, the only thermometer we have is on the thermostat, so I took off his diaper and put his butt against the thermostat. It went from 70 to 71, what do you think that means?"

When an 8 year old was told by her flute teacher to do exactly what he does, she replied that she was trying to do all, but was having trouble moving her eyesthe way he does. (teacher had nystagmus ).

A mother came into the emergency department with her well appearing 5 year old son. She told the triage nurse she just needed some peanut butter balls, and then she would be able to go home. Since the nurse thought this mother was crazy, and wasn't sure if something was wrong with the child, the patient was seen in the ED. The mother was getting angry, and demanding peanut butter balls by the time I saw her. After much probing, I found out the child had a seizure disorder and had run out of her phenobarbital !! (AKA peanut butter balls).

I asked a 5yo who was in for his preschool physical to hop on one foot. He promptly walked across the and began jumping on one of my feet.

A colleague asked a 4yo how far she could count. She said, " all the way to the end."

Mom came in with her 8 years old with concerns of her child having itching in the annual area.-

I have seen some unusal names in this community, including some already mentioned:

twin boys in my school district: leMONjello & oRANgejello (pronounced: le.MON'juh.lo & uh.RON'juh.lo)

also: shithead (pronounced shuh.TEED')

and then there's: abcde (pronounced AB'suh.duh')

and of latest note from two days ago a 10 month old girl brought to my clinic:

DIARRIA DUKES (pronounced: dee.AR'e.uh dooks)

Just when you think you've seen the worst!

It is human to take a strange word and interpret it in terms that are familiar, so we have all had patients complaining of "chicken pops", and" infantigo". A little more unusual is " The Smiling Mighty Jesus" (spinal meningitiis) My personal favorite is the man who during the review of systems claimed stubbornly that he had had gonorrhea of the lungs a year before. He was so insistent that the resident made him tell the story in detail.. The man said that he had a sudden pain in the chest and couldn't" breath..He went to the ED where an x-ray showed that he had a "Clap's Lung"

A 3 year old boy was in line at the grocery store with his Dad. In front of them was an extremely large woman which the little boy couldn't take his eyes off. Suddenly, her beeper went off.......BEEP.......BEEP......BEEP........and the child's eyes widened in panic. He yelled out "Look out Dad, she's backing up!!!!"

I had a call once from a parent who asked" how poisonous is rat poison". I inquired, "how much did he eat?". She responded "none, but he was chewing on the rat!"

she brought the baby in a month later for a follow up visit, it was healing nicely. When I asked her if she had any questions, she asked how old the baby should be when he gets his 2 month shots! (And who's buried in Grant's tomb?)

at Charity an adolecesent patient claimed he had "trauma to the side of his penis" Reading the medical record one could find that he had ITP and thrombocytopenia!

I heard spinal meningitis called " Screaming mighty Jesus". Also "Sick as hell anemia", for sickle cell anemia.

Two little boys were playing in the sandbox.

One says, "I'm kind of worried. I'm going to get circumcised in the morning."

The other comments knowingly, "Really? I was circumcised when I was 2 days old."

The first asks, "Wow. Did it hurt?"

The second replies, "Hurt? I didn't walk for 12 months."

A woman coming in for a routine blood pressure check asked, "So next time I need my Castor Oil level checked, right?" (cholesterol)

A woman I was about to put on antibiotics complained that she always got a yeast infection when she took antibiotics. Then she looked at me and said, "I know this sounds gross, but when I get a yeast infection, I just put yogurt up there and it helps the itching and it seems to get better quicker". I

looked at her with my best straight face and asked, "fruit at the bottom"?

He's been having urinary 'consonants'. (hmmm....I wonder if he has vowel movements too)

Mom: "I thought he might have infectious 'JUNK-O-VITIS', but he didn't have any junk coming

out of his eyes."

A 3 y/o patient was sent to the ER from a private MD's office because he felt she would need to be sedated to have her laceration repaired. At the triage window the mom announced, "I have a 3 y/o here that needs to be seduced to get stitches".

My doctor gave me teflon perles for my cough. (Tessalon perles)

RN: Do you take any medications? PT: Yes, I take a heart pill and a blood thinner. RN: So you have a heart condition? PT: Yes, I have a 'spacemaker'.

I've got 'gouge'. (gout)

A patient came to an ER in California to see if the crystal she wore was the right one for her. The MD's response was, "I'm not sure but I expect that if you think you have the right crystal, then you do."

"I have slurred vision".

Report from nursing home RN: "The patient is severely demeniated" (demented).

An internist was called to the ER to evaluate a patient with chest pain. The pain was described as stabbing (not typical of cardiac pain) but the ER doc (not me!) thought it needed further work up. I don't know what other associated symptoms the patient reported, but the internist in the course of the physical exam, found....a stab wound in the chest!

It said on the bottle to consult a fisican.

"I take the GENETIC of 'Darvon' for my pain."

I've had a "tuber grashon". (tubal ligation)

A resident went to examine a pediatric pt in the ER whose first name was KRIC. He asked the mother what was wrong with the pt, he pronounced the name "Crick", mom corrected him and said "It's pronounced 'Eric'". The resident responded "Well K-R-I-C would spell "Crick". Mom explained to him that her sister had told her you could spell Eric with a 'K'.

His fever got up to "one-o-three point twelve".

Family member to paramedic... "We've been doing Cardio-preliminary Resurrection for about 10 minutes now."

I've got a skin "corruption".

Ana-proxy = Anaprox

Incompetence = Incontinence

Freakin' urination = Frequent urination

Crozone injections = Cortisone injections

Wheezeling = Wheezing

Muculous = Mucus

"I had glazer surgery for my chronicle glycora."=I had laser surgery for my chronic glaucoma.

"My baby can't have caught colic, she hasn't been out of the house yet."

Fleem = Phlegm

"When I burp, bowel comes up." = When I burp, bile comes up.

Pillicillin = Penicillin

Augusticin = Augmentin

Hydra hernia = Hiatal hernia

Ministration = Menstruation

Hyena hernia = Hiatal hernia

Smilin' Mighty Jesus = Spinal Meningitis(this one is well known)

Vomiking = Vomiting

Patient states she put cotton balls in her ears to make her sinuses drain.

Sockafus = Esophagus

Tubicle baby = Tubal pregnancy

An 18m/o boy was brought to the ER after having fallen in the bathtub and was found "unresponsive" (pulseless?). Dad started CPR and called 911. Unwilling to wait for the ambulance Dad loaded the child in his car and raced towards the ER at speeds in excess of 100mph, while doing chest compressions on the boy lying, unrestrained, in the front seat. He lost control of his car

and rolled it over into a creek. Miraculously the boy came to. In the ER after finding that his son was OK the father stated, "It's a good thing I knew what I was doing!"

Prostrate = Prostate (this one is common)

Thrash = Thrush

MD: Do you drink alcohol?

Pt: I drink a little on the weekends?

MD: What's a little, a sixpack?

Pt: You mean BEER too?... Well I drink a case a day.

MD: Then what's your "little" on theweekends?

Pt: A case to a case and a half plus a fifth of hard liquor each day.

MD: THAT'S aLITTLE!?!

Pt: Well my friends drink alot!

When asked if she had anything at home with which to treat her asthma, a woman said, "Yes, I have a defibrillator." MD:You mean a nebulizer? Pt: Yeah, that's it.

A 50 woman came to the ER with complaints of a roach in her left ear. The woman had tried to wash it out of her left ear by pouring water in the right ear to "wash it through".

"Can you check my alcohol pressure?"

Sick as hell anemia = Sickle cell anemia

High blood = Hypertension Low blood = Anemia Bad blood = Syphilis

My son has an edible complex.

"My doctor does urethral digitations on me."

Infantigo = Impetigo (really common)

Fibrillatory seizures = Febrile seizures

"I have barnicle pneumonia"

Nigra listenin' = Nitroglycerin

A & M Pee Clinic = AM/PM Clinic

Status ulcer = Stasis ulcer

Chicken breath = Short of breath

Information pills = Inflamation pills

Old timers disease = Alzheimer's disease

Texas-cycloline = Tetracycline

Elipepsy = Epilepsy

While working with a 3 y/o girl with febrile seizures, one Christmas Eve. The mom, who was understandably distraught, asked frantically (with a heavy southern accent), "But doctor, why is she seizin' why is she seizin'?!? As I looked up at the nurse that was helping me, I noticed her Xmas

button that read "Jesus is the reason for the Season". I kept my mouth shut.

Technical shot = Tetanus shot

"I can't take a water pill, it messes up my electric lights."

"I was watching "Star Trek" and the understanding of the universe came to me." (A quote from a psychotic pt)

"She just had her shots last week, she had her MMR and her DHLP." (If you don't understand that one, ask your vet)

"I'm on depakote because I have cancer of my scoliosis."

Flea bites = Phlebitis

A man who had a history of cardiac arrhythmias requiring electrocardioversion collapsed at home. His wife was somewhat familiar with this and ran to the neighbors house screaming, "Help, someone call the paramutuals to come jump start my husband".

I need to "sparkle". = I need to urinate.

A woman with a rash stated she thought she had poison oak. When asked why she thought it was poison oak she said, "because there are a lot of oak trees in our yard".

Hospital employee presents to ER with complaint of right foot pain... She dropped the safety manual on it.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), we were discussing Clinton's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know old Clinton's a post turtle". So, of course, I asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle

balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

Tracheobursitis = Tracheobronchitis

While examining an obese woman a third year medical student moved the patients left breast to the side in order to listen to her heart. Beneath her breast he found a sandwich in a ziplock bag. The patient stated "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

A mother brought her 10 day old baby into the ER. The umbilical cord had fallen off and she was concerned because "there's a hole there now".